What I *meant* was . . .

My friends are fantastic listeners - which is convenient, because I talk a lot.

They'll often stop and say, "Em, do you remember the time you said [x]?" When this happens, there's a good chance that I don't actually remember and thus momentary panic ensues. Fortunately, I repeat myself often enough that even if I don't remember the particular occurrence, I might remember telling the same story to someone else. Anyway, it's amazing what they pick up, even when I'm just casually rambling or making up advice as I go along.

And yet . . .

Sometimes it seems that the more intentional I try to be with my communication, the less my friends actually hear. When there's hurt between us, it doesn't matter how carefully I try to prepare or how slowly I try to speak. All that seems to get communicated is "CONFLICT! CONFLICT! CONFLICT!"

Here are some things I learned about conflict this week that might be helpful to share (by which I mean, here are some things I recently did wrong that caused a lot of pain I'd like to avoid in the future):

1) What you actually said doesn't matter; what's important is what the other person heard. Perhaps you needed to address a problem with a friend. Maybe you wrote out the speech beforehand so that you would know exactly what to say, rehearsed that speech in the shower and twice in front of the mirror, and then replayed it in your head every day for two weeks after you delivered it. You may be positive that you didn't miss a syllable. However, you have no control over your words once they leave your mouth and get inside another person's head. There, they take on a life of their own. Therefore . . .

2) Keep it short. Miscommunication is almost inevitable in tense situations. Using fewer words limits the amount of clarification clean-up you have to do afterwards. Plus, shorter speeches are easier to memorize. But then again . . .

3) Have a conversation; don't deliver a speech. Unless you're really trying to kill a relationship (which does need to happen sometimes), make sure you give the other person a chance to ask questions and give input. I always want to make sure that I have control of the situation and am able to get my point across, so I usually speak quickly but carefully and then wrap it up as soon as things get uncomfortable. That isn't particularly helpful - or kind. It also exacerbates point #1.

4) Be honest about your feelings. They affect your behavior, no matter how much self-control you think you have. They're also really helpful signals. Sometimes, I try to ignore my feelings because I think they don't make sense. I shouldn't be hurt by that . . . he shouldn't be angry . . . and then I end up crying in embarrassingly public places and can't make it stop. When your heart gets loud, there's usually some kind of trigger that you need to acknowledge. Also, talking about your feelings can be a really helpful discussion starter.

5) Follow up quickly. The walls only get thicker and higher the longer you wait to start tearing them down. Sure, maybe you need a bit of time to cool off post-conflict. But as soon as you can be civil, follow up. Time heals all wounds when they've been properly dressed, but it makes an ugly mess of those that have been left untended.

Finally, since no one's going to stop me (I love blogging!), I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all of the people I've been practicing my conflict skills on over the years. I'm still really, genuinely, horribly bad at it, and I know that my sloppy communication fumbles have caused a lot of pain. However, your patience and faithful friendship redeem those situations and make the hard, awkward work of conflict resolution worth the effort.