These strengths can be manifested differently in different people, and it turns out that (according to my 21-page personalized report), my particular brand of "Individualization" makes me a great "partner." That specific word was used no less than three times, as in "you would make a great partner for an initiator, and an initiator would make a great partner for you." Taken to its logical conclusion (because where else would I go?), this means I can only fully manifest my top strength if I link up with someone (an initiator) whose projects I can finish. Given that the responsibility to walk around initiating relationships with initiators actually falls to the initiators themselves and not to me, then absent the opportunity to really shine as Ms. Follow Through to someone's Mr. I Have an Idea! . . . I'm kind off the hook for being an effective person. Right?
Yeah, I don't actually think that's the point. The point is, we're all designed to live in community, and we're all better off when we link up with people (coworkers, teammates, friends) whose strengths play well off our own.
But sometimes my joking example is exactly how single Christian women think - as if they can't really be maximally effective women until they become wives and mothers. Sisters, I'm about to get a little harsh with you (us), but please know that it's because I love you. We've been taught a lot of beautiful things about how to be good helpmates and partners. But some of us are going to be single for a very long time. We need to learn how to be beautiful and effective helpmates even when we don't have one specific partner.
Yeah, I don't actually think that's the point. The point is, we're all designed to live in community, and we're all better off when we link up with people (coworkers, teammates, friends) whose strengths play well off our own.
But sometimes my joking example is exactly how single Christian women think - as if they can't really be maximally effective women until they become wives and mothers. Sisters, I'm about to get a little harsh with you (us), but please know that it's because I love you. We've been taught a lot of beautiful things about how to be good helpmates and partners. But some of us are going to be single for a very long time. We need to learn how to be beautiful and effective helpmates even when we don't have one specific partner.
I was forwarded this article multiple times today, by several different friends: http://spiritualklutz.blogspot.com/2010/08/singleness-suffering-and-christian-hope.html
There is redemption in that narrative. The characters are hurting, and God - always close to the brokenhearted - reaches out and tangibly intervenes. It's a beautiful story, in an honest but sad sort of way. I hope you found encouragement in it . . . and if you did, please stop reading the rest of this post.
Here's the thing that gets me about that story as written: it's very difficult to use marriage as being somehow analogous to the resurrection without making an idol of it. I get that singleness can be painful at times. And I get that a large part of Christ's suffering here on earth was actually loneliness - rejection by men, and ultimately separation from God (temporary separation, but real nonetheless). So, in that marriage is a tool of companionship and a a tangible expression of love and sacrifice, I will reluctantly let that metaphor slide.
But let's be clear about this: marriage is not promised to you.
Love is.
Grace is.
Marriage? Nope.
Equating marriage with redemption, for the single woman, is kind of like being a Calvinist on the wrong side of irresistible grace. [Shudder.] Do you really want to spend the next decade (or five) exposing your heart (which is the wellspring of life) even metaphorically to the weeping and gnashing of teeth? Because you don't have to.
We must find a better narrative. We must learn to place our trust in a hope that does not disappoint, and ground our purpose in something bigger than an earthly family. God has given us strengths and abilities, and He wants us to use them honorably in the community He's put us in. More than that, He wants us to flourish.
Christ experienced suffering, but only temporarily. Thus, He can use our suffering to draw us closer to Him, but only for a time. In an eternal and unchanging way, He is Love. He's not going to hide Himself from us just because we're single. You will be loved. You are, and you always have been. My prayer is that we will learn how to walk confidently in this, even if He doesn't give us men to hold our hands along the way.
Perhaps I'll have to eat these words some day. If so, I'm sure they'll taste delicious.
There is redemption in that narrative. The characters are hurting, and God - always close to the brokenhearted - reaches out and tangibly intervenes. It's a beautiful story, in an honest but sad sort of way. I hope you found encouragement in it . . . and if you did, please stop reading the rest of this post.
Here's the thing that gets me about that story as written: it's very difficult to use marriage as being somehow analogous to the resurrection without making an idol of it. I get that singleness can be painful at times. And I get that a large part of Christ's suffering here on earth was actually loneliness - rejection by men, and ultimately separation from God (temporary separation, but real nonetheless). So, in that marriage is a tool of companionship and a a tangible expression of love and sacrifice, I will reluctantly let that metaphor slide.
But let's be clear about this: marriage is not promised to you.
Love is.
Grace is.
Marriage? Nope.
Equating marriage with redemption, for the single woman, is kind of like being a Calvinist on the wrong side of irresistible grace. [Shudder.] Do you really want to spend the next decade (or five) exposing your heart (which is the wellspring of life) even metaphorically to the weeping and gnashing of teeth? Because you don't have to.
We must find a better narrative. We must learn to place our trust in a hope that does not disappoint, and ground our purpose in something bigger than an earthly family. God has given us strengths and abilities, and He wants us to use them honorably in the community He's put us in. More than that, He wants us to flourish.
Christ experienced suffering, but only temporarily. Thus, He can use our suffering to draw us closer to Him, but only for a time. In an eternal and unchanging way, He is Love. He's not going to hide Himself from us just because we're single. You will be loved. You are, and you always have been. My prayer is that we will learn how to walk confidently in this, even if He doesn't give us men to hold our hands along the way.
Perhaps I'll have to eat these words some day. If so, I'm sure they'll taste delicious.
Thoughtfully written, EDB. It's a pleasure to read your collected thoughts on a complicated but important subject.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that being a wife pails in comparison to being a daughter of God, as lovely as the experience of the former may be. While this does not diminish the struggle that is sometimes being single, it does put things in perspective.