Pause

Sometimes, well..., then again, most times I don't know what I'm doing in life. I'm just walking and following God's direction. I feel like I'm walking in the dark, blind. It's that time when everything in your life feels as its standing still. You have been put on "pause." There are seasons when I'm confident I know I'm right where God wants me to be. Then there are times when I just fill up with multiple layers of questions. This relates to all aspects of my life; family, friends, boys, yes, I said it, and just for that I'll type it again, boys, my job, my current location, church and ministries. Oh, this list goes on and on and can easily, and usually does, overwhelm me. God? You there?

I don't like this lost [quiet/pause] type of feeling. It makes me worry, nervous, scared and anxious... all not of God, I know. I start questioning everything about my current status in life. Am I supposed to be doing what I'm doing? I'm I supposed to be here? Am I doing what God wants me to do? Am I supposed to be doing something else right now? Is what I'm doing in life pleasing to God? Am I focus on God right now? Am I doing enough? I my heart right? Oh...they just go on and on. And this feeling begins to drain me. Don't get me wrong, I do welcome self-evaluation and think it is, sometimes, necessary. It just gets me all worked up.

When this time in my life revisits me, I have to remember, yet again, that God is in control of EVERYTHING. It's good for us to check in with Him to see if there are any additional directions or messages He is supplying us with. When it's right, God gives me this peace about the situation or the event in my life. When it's wrong, he stirs everything up...I can't sleep, I dream like crazy and I'm just not at ease. The thing is, I know, because I've got the peace thing going on inside of me, that God has me where He wants me. But I feel like I've been placed on "pause." Yeah, I feel, I'm human. Time feels like it is standing still. Maybe I need to do some more listening. God? What are you up to? Talk to me. I'm here. I'm listening.

This might not make a lot of sense to you or anyone reading this. I'm sorry. I just hope that when and if you do feel this, you know, God is always there. Sometimes He's just silent. I don't know why He is sometimes silent. I usually learn why later. In the meantime, be patient. Quiet. Listen.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 23-24