Dear S,
Since you asked for thoughts about the recap of your most recent date, here are mine:
You ordered a decaf tall black coffee, which costs about $1.50 before tax. He didn't even pretend to offer to pay for it. Walk away. Don't look back.
At lunch today, my Evil Twin tried to argue that most men have had some kind of shared experience whereby they've been rejected because they put in too much effort up front. They showed too much enthusiasm early on (perhaps by suggesting a really nice dinner or by bringing flowers), and this turned the girl off. So, by aiming for coffee and letting you pick up your half of the tab, it doesn't necessarily mean they're uninterested. They're just trying to ease you into it. These men are strategically investing a little bit of seed money, hoping that it will pay dividends with a real relationship down the road.
The problem with his defense? I've never in all of my twenty-something years met a woman like that.
Here's my take:
The difference between buying someone dinner and meeting up for coffee is the difference between investing a little bit of seed money and playing the slots.
I understand that every time you signal interest, there's some level of risk involved. Rejection works both ways. I could turn you down, or you may realize midway through dinner that I'm not as charming as you thought. But if you are genuinely interested in me and signal that, either directly (by flat out saying it) or symbolically (by putting in a little bit of effort to plan and execute an actual date), I can promise to reciprocate your honesty.
If you kinda-sorta figure that maybe we could sit close together in a public place for a while until we get bored, don't be surprised when nothing happens. If romance blossoms, that's called getting lucky.
When I went on all of those terrible .com dates last spring, my older brother told me that if a guy didn't pay for my coffee, I should just get up and walk out because he wasn't worth my time. I thought that sounded a little harsh, but in retrospect . . . he was right. I wasted quite a few hours listening to uninteresting men who were not all that interested in me talk about nothing, and then had to invest even more time retrospectively analyzing what went wrong. Why did he not think I was attractive enough to put down $1.50? Should I have worn heels? Or am I just not pretty? Am I not funny? Not flirtatious enough? Not smart? Too smart? Do I seem unkind? On at least one occasion, I had to pick up the entire tab! [side note: How do you know you're on a date with a Democrat? When he suggests you meet up for coffee and offers to pay, but then doesn't have enough cash to cover yours . . . or his own.]
Those dates didn't really have anything to do with me at all. They were arranged by men who had incredibly low expectations and who weren't willing to do more than pull the slot.
You and I are both perfectly capable of paying for our own coffee. But if we do so, I suggest that we get it to go and drink it in the company of people we enjoy.
xoxo,
EDB
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