I want X.

My pastor challenged me earlier this week not to be so self-protective with my petitions to God. That was a kind way of saying, "Em, your prayer life is a little lame."

I believe that God does interact with us personally, and that He longs to give us good gifts - but my fear of His sovereignty cripples my ability to ask for anything too specific. Here's what usually happens:

1. God, You are good.

     a. Thanks for everything You've given me.

     b. It's more than I deserve.

2. I want X . . .

     a.   . . . but only if You want to give me X.

     b. I probably shouldn't even be asking for more stuff (see point 1b).

3. If You don't want to give me X, please replace my desire for X with a desire for whatever it is You'd like to give me instead. Unless . . .

     a. . . .You'd rather give me nothing (see point 2b).

     b. . . .that somehow violates my free will and You don't actually intervene in our hearts that way. Oops, did I accidentally become a Calvinist again?

4. I give up. Thy will be done!

5. Amen.

This can be a helpful exercise when the desires of my heart are suspect and need some questioning, but it doesn't really demonstrate trust. It's like I'm saying, "God, I believe that You are good, generally speaking . . .  but I'm sure You're really busy with big picture stuff, so feel free to ignore me if that will hasten Your redemption of the world or something."

Instead of trusting that the God who knit my heart together might actually want to bless me with the desires He stitched into it, I've ended up with a martyr complex.

It's much easier for me to say thank you than to say please. When I ask for something specific, there's a possibility that He'll reject my request or answer it in a way that feels disappointing. I always feel like I need to  see something good happen before I'm willing to put myself out there.

But hope is not always born of blessings . . . Here's a challenge, from Romans 5:1-5:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Suffering --> perseverance --> character --> hope.

In the midst of confusing and trying times, I should be even more confident that He is a good and loving Giver: out of suffering comes a hope that does not disappoint.

Well, here we go . . . Father, I want X. Amen.